Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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