anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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