Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
