Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
