This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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