i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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