the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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