I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
