you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
