You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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