I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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