Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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