Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
