the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
