Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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