My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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