Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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