Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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