You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When are your genitals available?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
