my phone needs a breathalizer
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
