Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
