He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
