I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
