gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I have feelings that need drinking.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
