there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
