If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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