She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
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Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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