We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
