Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
