the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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