Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
