Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
