I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
