How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
