How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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