we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
