dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
