I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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