God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
