So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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