I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
