Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
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Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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