As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
All the doctor said was why
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
