I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
