I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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