this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
