Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
