So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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