Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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