Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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