You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
bring money and cleavage
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
