I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
