I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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