i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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