dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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