Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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