sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.