But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!