The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
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I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.