you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
