We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
